I was in the pub the other day putting the world to rights over a couple of beers with a friend and we started talking about love and sex. This discussion was spurred by the fact she'd been sleeping with a colleague who has a girlfriend. A few weeks ago they met, got on like a house on fire (I witnessed this, it was pretty vomit inducing to be frank) and before they slept together I told her not to get involved, not because its 'the right thing to do,' not because it would hurt the girlfriends feelings but because I knew she'd get hurt. However, her response at the time "I can separate love and sex. This is just sex."
Sure enough, fast forward three weeks later to her telling me that "she thinks she is falling for her." Oh crap. I tell her not to see her again, I tell her to ignore her texts but its too late, she's gone.
This got me thinking about love and sex and whether you can distinguish the two. I would ask the age old question 'can women separate love and sex?' but I realise this is a hugely outdated concept and limited to the individual. Besides, I've often found that men get more attached then women in some instances.
I'd like to think I can distinguish. I have had a few one night stands and even uttered the phrase, "Look, you don't have to pretend your interested and want to see me again. Its just sex, its cool."
However, there have been a couple of trysts with people where I have become more attached then I first thought. A couple of years ago I met someone on Gaydar and as we both happened to be at Revenge on the same night, arranged to meet for a drink in the club. I have to say, she wasn't my type and on first glance I wasn't at all attracted to her. We had a drink, dance and chatted. The Bristolian accent won we over (not conventionally sexy but hey ho it did it for me) and when she whispered "your fucking gorgeeeeouuuusss" in my ear at the end of the night; I was hers. She came back to mine, and well, you can guess the rest. The next morning I knew I wasn't particularly fussed about seeing her again; I thought she was fun but I knew we wernt compatible. She asked for my number and I agreed, I'd had a good night, why not repeat the fun sometime? When we went on a date two weeks later and she brushed my hair from my face, I knew I liked her, a month or so later when we'd seen each other a few times and I'd met her friends I knew I was smitten. So there we go, I thought we were just sex and we turned into love. It wasn't just sex, we hadn't just kept shagging, there was something there.
What I've learnt is this, you can have sex that doesn't turn into anything more, and you can have sex that turns into everything. I don't think its that women cant do sex without love. I don't even think its about the people involved. I think its about timing. Timing is imperative, at certain stages of your life you just want sex, sometimes you want more. It wouldn't matter if Angelia Jolie rocked up, you wouldn't fall in love, you arnt in the right mind frame. That's it, that's the long and short of it. Timing.
Love and sex can both be brilliant found together and apart, however, the best is when they are united.
Sunday, 31 July 2011
Tuesday, 5 July 2011
Pleasurable pain or painful pleasure?
When I left my previous job, my colleagues gave me a gift which consisted of a cake, collage (of me pulling wonderfully stupid faces with a number of different colleagues at work do's over the years) and a voucher for a massage.
This morning, five months later, I'm in the local spa spending my voucher. I always find massages really surreal, firstly because you are paying someone to touch your body and secondly because you are pretty much lying naked on the table in front of a stranger. Its always weird when they ask that you take your top, bra and trousers off while they are out of the room and they come back to you waiting for them with just your panties on. Its like a disturbing sex game where you know it would be entirely inappropriate to ask for sex. Moreover, when they peel your panties back to reveal your bum (which they will later kneed into oblivion) your mind screams out "my arse is out in front of a stranger, IN FRONT OF A STRANGER!!"
What I also find bizarre is that they flirt with you (OK maybe they are just being nice and its part of their job) and they are usually pretty hot.
So basically you are going into a candlelit room with a hot flirtatious woman, getting naked and they are going to touch you. Well...
The woman today gave me the best massage I've ever had. Not because it was a relaxing pleasurable massage but because it was incredibly painful. So painful in fact I was pretty much crying throughout the whole massage and probably made some rather interesting noises. It was like she was ripping through my body, trying to destroy me. The massage ended and somewhat relieved I told her it was the best massage I'd ever had. She thanked me and commented that I'd probably be in a lot of pain for the next few days. I already am. Ouch.
As I was lying there on the table (whilst trying to block out the pain) I was thinking about pleasurable pain and painful pleasure.
Recently a friend and I went for a drink and were reminiscing about our friendship. I reminded her of a time she had come into work and been unable to walk for about three days. At the time, I had asked her if she was OK, fearing she was unwell but alas, the rigorousness of the sex she had recently had with a girl she was dating had rendered her unable to walk. She went home "feeling unwell." Her painful pleasure had become pure pain.
Likewise pleasure and pain are interwoven in relationships, something once pleasurable becomes pain when you break up with someone. Sometimes you also know the pleasure will become pain as soon as you meet someone. You know they arnt right for you, you know it wont last yet you hope and pray the relationship will survive against all odds. Then went it ends you curse that you are letting yourself feel this pain.
In short, pleasure and pain go hand in hand. Sometimes one results in the other. They often run side by side. Sometimes you dont even know whats pleasure and whats pain. I like to call this painful pleasure or pleasurable pain.
This morning, five months later, I'm in the local spa spending my voucher. I always find massages really surreal, firstly because you are paying someone to touch your body and secondly because you are pretty much lying naked on the table in front of a stranger. Its always weird when they ask that you take your top, bra and trousers off while they are out of the room and they come back to you waiting for them with just your panties on. Its like a disturbing sex game where you know it would be entirely inappropriate to ask for sex. Moreover, when they peel your panties back to reveal your bum (which they will later kneed into oblivion) your mind screams out "my arse is out in front of a stranger, IN FRONT OF A STRANGER!!"
What I also find bizarre is that they flirt with you (OK maybe they are just being nice and its part of their job) and they are usually pretty hot.
So basically you are going into a candlelit room with a hot flirtatious woman, getting naked and they are going to touch you. Well...
The woman today gave me the best massage I've ever had. Not because it was a relaxing pleasurable massage but because it was incredibly painful. So painful in fact I was pretty much crying throughout the whole massage and probably made some rather interesting noises. It was like she was ripping through my body, trying to destroy me. The massage ended and somewhat relieved I told her it was the best massage I'd ever had. She thanked me and commented that I'd probably be in a lot of pain for the next few days. I already am. Ouch.
As I was lying there on the table (whilst trying to block out the pain) I was thinking about pleasurable pain and painful pleasure.
Recently a friend and I went for a drink and were reminiscing about our friendship. I reminded her of a time she had come into work and been unable to walk for about three days. At the time, I had asked her if she was OK, fearing she was unwell but alas, the rigorousness of the sex she had recently had with a girl she was dating had rendered her unable to walk. She went home "feeling unwell." Her painful pleasure had become pure pain.
Likewise pleasure and pain are interwoven in relationships, something once pleasurable becomes pain when you break up with someone. Sometimes you also know the pleasure will become pain as soon as you meet someone. You know they arnt right for you, you know it wont last yet you hope and pray the relationship will survive against all odds. Then went it ends you curse that you are letting yourself feel this pain.
In short, pleasure and pain go hand in hand. Sometimes one results in the other. They often run side by side. Sometimes you dont even know whats pleasure and whats pain. I like to call this painful pleasure or pleasurable pain.
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