Dykea

 Myself and my other half have recently moved home.  This is the first time we have properly lived together folks, please take a collective breath in.  Anyway, we moved in together, and with little furniture had to make the pilgrimage to furniture mecca, otherwise known as Ikea.  Many a time have I heard the trip to ikea referred to as ‘the cementing of the lesbian relationship in stone’ and we aimed to fulfil this.

There we were many obstacles on this journey.  First and foremost; getting there.  As my partner stupidly decided to drink drive a few years ago she was unable to drive.  Conversely, I had a clean sheet but once passed my test (on the first time I may add) I had not driven since and therefore was extremely rusty and very very scared.  So off we trotted to the van rental company where she was denied the privilege to drive and I was told I had to if we wanted the van.  So there I was on a main road, cars whizzing by, scared stiff.  Thankfully the rental man casually wondered off, meaning we could quickly switch places.  Now, I'm not one to condone illegal activity, but I would have been far more treacherous on the road then she was, so I think it was a wise idea to swap.  And indeed, we came back in one piece, happy as larry.

Anyway, Ikea was an experience- my other half broke her phone and spilt petrol down my new jeans when refilling the van.  In addition, we lost our list of product codes, which meant once at the stock area, we realised we had to repeat our previous two hours of browsing.  However, we successfully loaded up six trolleys full of stuff (we have an empty flat to furnish) and carted them about as best we could.  The assistants helped us through the checkout with them, commenting that they had only ever seen one person ever buy more than us (hard to believe I know) and watched us as we loaded approximately 20 heavy boxes into the van.

As much as I enjoyed browsing the beautiful furniture, I can tell you this furniture buying malarkey has been a pain in the ass.  Not only was Ikea a pretty stressful day, but the furniture making process has been a nuisance too.  I took over three hours to make a chair the other night and it only has four pieces.  Now I know I am, no furniture whiz but seriously?!  This process has been such a nuisance, myself and my other half have coined the phrase ‘if we can get through ikea we can get through anything.’  And this is true, I think there are very few things more stressful then building a home.

I may moan about this but buying furniture together has been a lovely experience on the whole.  Creating a new home together has been wonderful and hilarious at times.  Most of all, it proves that the little bi girl isn’t conforming to stereotype and can lift as many boxes as the next man.  Well, not really, but almost :-)

Me

I have written a few blogs now and I realise I have given very little away.  Some background facts about me..

- I first kissed a girl when I was 19 at a house party
- I first lost my virginity to a boy when I was 17, and to a girl when I was 20
- I have slept with twice as many men as women
- I like sex with both equally but for different reasons
- The two best people I have slept with- one is a man and one is a woman
- I came out to my friends two years ago, my parents six months ago & my brother a week ago
- I would like to have the same things as everyone else- a home, children and a loving partner
- I hate people who walk slowly.  Why oh why would you walk so slowly??
- I don’t like bullshit.  Please don’t lie to me
- I have never asked anyone out/told I love them first, I always wait for others to do it
- I am kind, loving but a joker 
- I am incredibly impatient
- I once kissed a man dressed as a meatball because I liked his outfit
- My favourite cocktail is a screaming orgasm..mm chocolately
- I cant bare talking to people in the morning, morning people make me grumpy
- I laugh way too much at my own jokes
- I am fiercely loyal and would do anything for anyone I care about
- I don’t fancy many people, but I when I do fancy someone I fall in love easily 
- I want to make my parents proud more than anything
- I really would like a pet dog, Ive wanted one since I was a kid
- Im a terrible flirt, always have been always will be 
- Nothing really gets me going like writing.  Writing floats my boat

The Text Game

On the subject of texting..

It is very likely you have all participated in the text game, even if you dont know you have.  I for one have on many an occasion, I am ashamed to say. 

The text game is simple.  Someone you are seeing texts you and you respond.  You text back and forth until the conversation has run its course and then the next day you say to your mate ‘Why hasn’t she text me, I text her last.'  Your mate will chorus back with ‘but she text you first yesterday.’  And so you fall into the eternal dilemma, do you text her or wait for her to text you?  It starts as a sexy game between you but ends up being a internal battle, seeing how long you can hold on without texting back.

Myself and my illustrious ex used to play this game until, the second time we dated we came to the conclusion that it would be better to be predictable then annoying.  We would text each other every hour.  That way we were in constant contact, but never felt claustrophobic.  Now, this may seem bizarre to you (it felt it to me at the time) but it was also nice.  Waiting for a text that you knew was going to arrive, knowing someone was always thinking of you is something I enjoyed.

This got me thinking about the dilemmas of texting.  I will tell you of one which is faced on a regular basis by one of my best gays.  She loves texting when drunk or hungover.  This leads her to send mammoth rambling incoherent texts, to which the recipient never replies.  I have gone so far to take her phone off her and delete the number all together.  But alas, in a drunken blur she heads to good old Facebook, retrieves the number and ploughs forth with her ramblings.  Dating nightmare?   Yes indeed.

There are so many pitfalls to texting, a veritable minefield of embarassment. I have created a good few text boo boo's myself.  Not of the long rambling variety I may add, I like to keep it short and sweet.  My text nightmares are caused by none other then predictive text.


Some of my nightmares are as follows:


Join me for a meal tonight? > Join me for a neck tonight?


Im guna kick your ass! > Im guna lick your ass! (just before a second date none the less)


Next time your in Brighton gime a call and we'll hook up > Next time your in Brighton gime anal and we'll hook up


Im going for a walk with Sarah and will head over after> Im going for a wank with Sarah and will head over after


I feel ill, im getting sick> I feel ill, im getting dick


And what have I learn from this? Absolutely nothing. These texts are among the best I've ever sent :-)

A Very Interesting Text Conversation

One of my mates recently made me chuckle, the conversation went like this...

Me: morning matey, how was your evening?
Bee: erm, interesting..
Me: that sounds ominous, how do you mean?
Bee: it was ok, I am in alot of pain right now.  Not sure it was worth it.
Me: why, what happened?
Bee: ah well you know Meg I was seeing, well i slept with her mate Em
Me: oh, I see.  Was Meg angry?
Bee: nah, she was fine about it but the sex with Em was bad
Me: in what way?
* no reply for 20 mins*
Bee: sorry had to go and be sick, the thought of it just makes me gag
Me: why, what was bad about it?
Bee: she erm, had bad hygiene
Me: hahaha no way!! what did you do?
Bee: i just stopped, I couldnt continue
Me: couldnt you just have suggested a sexy shower together? that would have got rid of the problem
Bee: we had just showered, this was post shower sex
Me: oh dear oh dear..

And the moral of the story?  Keep up your dating and hygiene standards.

The Big O

Have you ever had an orgasm that has made you cry? And I don’t mean shed a tear, I mean really bawl your eyes out.

I had an orgasm like this last night.  Until this time I had good orgasms, even great ones.  However, this was unlike any I had ever known. This earth shattering triumph seemed to shake me to my inner core in every way possible.  I have slept with men with massive dicks and women with incredible tongue skills but nothing has had this startling effect on me.  

I have had men and women cry on me post sex.  I would like to believe this is down to my prowess as lover but I am well aware that it may well have been an expression of post relationship grief; the first fuck of freedom. I however, have never repaid the favour of shedding a tear or experiencing the raw post sex emotion that so many do.

Back to my unfathomable pleasure.  I believe this amazing orgasm occured due to many causes:

Firstly, my incredible horniness post period.  Any women out there can relate to lustful pangs pre, during and post period.  These pangs, mid period, could be greeted warmly with an inviting tongue but as much as I want it, I just don’t feel my lover should have to deal with the blood-laiden cavern that would lie in wait.  I don’t even want to look at it; I don’t feel I should force them to.  Ergo, I am left to deal with the ever-growing pulses of desire for over a week. 

Secondly, due to the plethora of fantasies I had built up in my brain due to the lack of sex.  Penetrative, oral and anal imagery had all spun endlessly around my mind for the last few days.

Thirdly, my partner is very skilled in the tongue department and has learnt to give me exactly what I need.

Now, this orgasm sent me to space and back. It propelled me from my body into the atmosphere and back again, sending waves of glorious pleasure through me as it did.  It made me hot yet cold, alive yet numb.  What struck me most was I felt blind.  Blind to everything and everyone.  No senses. Nothing.

And as she looked up, licking her lips and brushing her hair from her face; she was completely unaware she had given me the best orgasm I had ever known.

And what did I do first when I got into work this morning?  The honorable thing.  Tell my best mate in gory detail about how amazing it was.

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

Last week I met up with an ex who was reminded me of the frolics and woes of lesbian dating.  She told me of a girl who she was seeing but was 'too nice' and therefore didn't get the juices flowing, and another who was exciting but somewhat unattainable.

It reminded me of a conversation myself and my partner had at the beginning of our relationship, when discussing the pitfalls of lesbians dating, there is no middle ground.  Lesbians seem to be either full on or completely switched off.  Likewise, they are cute and lovely, but frankly dull, whereas others are exciting and outgoing but cant hold a relationship down for love nor money.

Ironically, I believe that my ex was one of these unattainable creatures.  She was someone I always longed to have but never really did.  When we managed to venture into a relationship (instigated by her, I may add) she never really seemed to open up- physically or mentally.  Whether this was due to fear of being hurt or simply wanting to play the field I'll never know.

It has got me thinking about sexual chemistry and dating.  We all know the cliche of wanting what we cant have but is this really true?  Are we so self-destructive that we crave something that will eventually cause us pain?  Conversely, if we were given everything on a plate would it really be fun?  I know I for one enjoy the chase.

I do however, remember a time when the chase was probably the most frustrating thing on earth.  Doing the 'why hasn't she text dance' and 'what, oh what does that mean' ritual did eventually become somewhat boring after a time.  And there's the biggest irony.  The chase eventually becomes boring too.

So ladies, if you are reading this, listen up.  Give us something to aim for, but don't keep us hanging on too long eh.