The Lesbian Nod

Every lesbian will have done the lesbian nod even if they dont know it.  The lesbian nod is such, you are walking hand in hand/arm in arm with your partner and pass another lesbian couple.  You make eye on contact, nod, smile and continue on your merry way.

The lesbian nod is a sign off approval; that they like you are living their lives with little concern for what others may think.  It's a small movement but it means so much.

Having sex with both sexes

The first thing most people ask me when I tell them im bisexual is, how does sex vary between men and women?  This is what I tell them..

Men: Not much foreplay, get in and get out attitude, very much about power and control, dirty naughty sex, want sex regularly, sex is less likely to be compromised by emotions.

When you are at the end of a relationship with a man, the sex doesnt necessarily reduce.  Moreover, men tend to cheat because the opportunity presents itself and because their sex drive dictates that they want sex now.

Women: Hours of foreplay, take your time, dirty naughty (often naughtier then men), tend want sex less reguarly, sex is hugely dependant on emotions (whether they be good or bad).

When you are at the end of a relationship with a woman more often then not the sex totally dies; you are pretty much friends that hug and share a bed.  Furthermore, women tend to cheat to fulfill something that is missing in their relationship, such as intimacy or sex.

*Please note these are generalisations and do not depict sex had by all bisexual people*

Sex Chat

One of my best gay friends Bee (the mate from 'A Very Interesting Test Conversation') came over at the weekend for a catch up, to share gossip about a night out with some mutual friends over the weekend and to discuss her love life.  She's been single for two years now, after being in a relationship for five and it seems she's really got into the swing of single life..

Her: I really like this new girl, the sex is good, we have alot on common and my heart flutters when I see her.  I haven't felt like this in a long time
*she checks her phone*
Me: You seeing if she's text you?
Her:  Nah my previous shag has come back on the market and ill hoping she'll text me to hook up
Me: But you were just saying about how much you like this new girl!
Her: Well the shag is in town, the new girl isn't.  More likely to get sex with the old shag, ergo I want her to text.  Priorities.  Don't tell the new girl I'm shagging someone else
Me:  Ha, why would I!  Your not officially together so you could be shagging them both at once and it would be acceptable
Her:  Yes very true. I'm also curious to see if my previous shag has got better in bed
Me: You do know curiosity killed the cat
Her: Cats have nine lives
Me: Point taken

I love my mates.  They have a habit of making things wonderfully simple.   She then proceeded to tell me she'd shagged ten people in the last two years..

Me:  You haven't shagged ten people, you've shagged eight.  I know this as you have told me in very intricate detail about each one
Her:  I know I tell you too much, however it is definitely ten
Me: *lists eight*
Her: God, you are right!
Me: You might be thinking of that Italian chick who you nearly had sex with but didn't and the couple who you had a threesome with, but the guy didn't actually touch you and you didn't touch him
Her:  Oh yes.  It disturbs me that you know this
Me: It disturbs me that you tell me
Her: OK.  If you think you are so smart, list them in order
Me: I don't have that good a memory and I do have better things to remember then who you have shagged.  Besides, alot of them overlapped
Her:  Very true.  You love hearing my stories don't you
Me:  Well I dont have any choice.  You dont even say hello, you just start a conversation with 'guess who I shagged'.  However, something eventful happens every time you shag someone, its amazing!
Her:  My pleasure equals your entertainment.  Everyone's a winner

And its really true.  If either of us have a bad day at work we will email each other, go to the pub and talk about sex.  It really cheers us up.  Having a beer and talking about sex has to be one of my favourite past times.

Two Different Worlds

Being bisexual can make some feel like they are hovering between two different worlds, the heterosexual and the homosexual.  Bisexuals not only face possible discrimination from one, but often both.  I’ve been very lucky, I haven’t really faced this (well not to my face), I’ve always had a solid group of friends since I’ve been out.  I may get an occasional sarky remark, but it’s usually in jest and not something I’d deem offensive.  Therefore, I havnt really experienced feeling torn between the two worlds.  That is, until I leave Brighton.

This weekend I was struck by the fact I live in two different worlds, one in which I have my family and one in which I have the rest of my life; my partner, my home, my friends and my writing.  Now this isn’t to say anyone has made me live a certain way in a particular place.  Far from it.  Its just as humans, you react to environments in different ways.

The two worlds..

One:  Surrey.  Grandparents house.  Bone china.  Roast Sunday lunch.  Green lawns.  Millionaire mansions. Money. Speaking ‘correctly.’ Being courteous.  Dressing smartly.

The other: Brighton. Home. 5 year old mugs.  Spud and hoops.  The Sea.  Tramps in parks.  Student housing.  Being skint.  Using slang.  Wink and a wave.  Dressing like a dyke.

I go back to this other world and feel like I stick out like a sore thumb.  Its like I have 'gay' tattooed across my forehead.  However much I try and fit in, I feel feel I dont.

I find it very bizarre both going home and visiting my grandparents.  Partly as they aren’t 100% supportive of my lifestyle and also because it’s like stepping back in time.  In my old room I still have my ex’s photo in a frame and it’s exactly like it was 6 years ago when I left home.  Not a single thing has changed.  The strangest thing is it somewhat feels like I’ve gone back to my old mind-set when I’ve been there a few days.  I go shopping and I buy different clothes to ones I’d buy in Brighton; straighter and more modest.  I also start eating things I haven’t eaten for years, things I haven’t even thought twice about since last being at home.  Salted peanuts.   Battenberg cake.  Sultana cookies.

It’s strange, going from one world to the next; the hour train journey between the two creates an effective buffer.  A buffer from gay to straight; straight to gay.  I am of course, overly dramatic but it’s true, others feel this too. 

It's not I dislike going home, far from it.  I enjoy going home, being pampered and spending time with my family.  Its just one of the few times in my life where I'm hugely conscious of who I am and where my life is heading. 

Break up Sex

With pride coming up in just over a week, I am reminded of a break up just over three years ago with my first girlfriend whom I dated on and off for a couple of years.  Just after the break up I went to my first pride, both hoping I would see her and hoping I wouldn't.

We'd broken up for numerous reasons, partly because I was in the midst of coming out and was finding my emotions very difficult to cope with, and partly because she wouldn't open her heart to me.  I knew she wanted to but had been badly hurt in the past, so like a mother shielding its new born baby she defended her heart.  Post break up wasn't awful, we had parted before and I was somewhat accustomed to it.  I was sad but glad I did the right thing. I was mixed up, I needed someone stable and she couldn't be stable for me.

My first pride came around and I was excited.  Multi-coloured tutu? Check.  Rain mac? Check. Mobile phone in case I wanted to pick up numbers?  Check.  The day came and went, we had a great time (albeit the rain storm).  The evening came and myself and a few friends went to a local gay bar.  There she was.  I only ended up staying for an hour in the end, pride exhaustion had set in and the club was small, where-ever I looked she was there.  I'd spoken briefly to her and that was enough, likewise I couldn't pull because it would look like I was rubbing someone else in her face.  I decided to be the bigger person and leave.

I got outside the club and my phone was laden with texts "Hi, how are you?" "You having fun?" "Come and talk to me."  I text her back "Ive just left, have fun with your mates."  Half way home I got another text "Ive left, I'm coming back to yours."  Impressive since she had friends staying with her.  "Ive left them with the keys, they know their way back" she continued.  So she came home with me.  We did the deed and held each other.  A few occasions after that we slept together but it happened less and less; slowly reducing to nothing.  It was both physical and mental break up sex, not only the physical act but the emotional act of both being close to and withdrawing from your previous partner.

I would say about half the people I have dated I have indulged in break up sex with.  Sometimes its the best sex ever and sometimes its just sad.  I wonder if being a few years older, I'd still do the same if myself and my partner went our seperate ways.  Who knows.

Love and Sex

I was in the pub the other day putting the world to rights over a couple of beers with a friend and we started talking about love and sex.  This discussion was spurred by the fact she'd been sleeping with a colleague who has a girlfriend.  A few weeks ago they met, got on like a house on fire (I witnessed this, it was pretty vomit inducing to be frank) and before they slept together I told her not to get involved, not because its 'the right thing to do,' not because it would hurt the girlfriends feelings but because I knew she'd get hurt.  However, her response at the time "I can separate love and sex. This is just sex."

Sure enough, fast forward three weeks later to her telling me that "she thinks she is falling for her."  Oh crap.   I tell her not to see her again, I tell her to ignore her texts but its too late, she's gone.

This got me thinking about love and sex and whether you can distinguish the two.  I would ask the age old question 'can women separate love and sex?' but I realise this is a hugely outdated concept and limited to the individual.  Besides, I've often found that men get more attached then women in some instances.

I'd like to think I can distinguish.  I have had a few one night stands and even uttered the phrase, "Look, you don't have to pretend your interested and want to see me again.  Its just sex, its cool."

However, there have been a couple of trysts with people where I have become more attached then I first thought.  A couple of years ago I met someone on Gaydar and as we both happened to be at Revenge on the same night, arranged to meet for a drink in the club.  I have to say, she wasn't my type and on first glance I wasn't at all attracted to her.  We had a drink, dance and chatted.  The Bristolian accent won we over (not conventionally sexy but hey ho it did it for me) and when she whispered "your fucking gorgeeeeouuuusss" in my ear at the end of the night; I was hers.  She came back to mine, and well, you can guess the rest.  The next morning I knew I wasn't particularly fussed about seeing her again; I thought she was fun but I knew we wernt compatible.  She asked for my number and I agreed, I'd had a good night, why not repeat the fun sometime? When we went on a date two weeks later and she brushed my hair from my face, I knew I liked her, a month or so later when we'd seen each other a few times and I'd met her friends I knew I was smitten. So there we go, I thought we were just sex and we turned into love.  It wasn't just sex, we hadn't just kept shagging, there was something there.

What I've learnt is this, you can have sex that doesn't turn into anything more, and you can have sex that turns into everything.  I don't think its that women cant do sex without love.  I don't even think its about the people involved.  I think its about timing.  Timing is imperative, at certain stages of your life you just want sex, sometimes you want more.  It wouldn't matter if Angelia Jolie rocked up, you wouldn't fall in love, you arnt in the right mind frame.  That's it, that's the long and short of it.  Timing.

Love and sex can both be brilliant found together and apart, however, the best is when they are united.

Pleasurable pain or painful pleasure?

When I left my previous job, my colleagues gave me a gift which consisted of a cake, collage (of me pulling wonderfully stupid faces with a number of different colleagues at work do's over the years) and a voucher for a massage. 

This morning, five months later, I'm in the local spa spending my voucher.  I always find massages really surreal, firstly because you are paying someone to touch your body and secondly because you are pretty much lying naked on the table in front of a stranger.  Its always weird when they ask that you take your top, bra and trousers off while they are out of the room and they come back to you waiting for them with just your panties on.  Its like a disturbing sex game where you know it would be entirely inappropriate to ask for sex.  Moreover, when they peel your panties back to reveal your bum (which they will later kneed into oblivion) your mind screams out "my arse is out in front of a stranger, IN FRONT OF A STRANGER!!"

What I also find bizarre is that they flirt with you (OK maybe they are just being nice and its part of their job) and they are usually pretty hot.

So basically you are going into a candlelit room with a hot flirtatious woman, getting naked and they are going to touch you.  Well...

The woman today gave me the best massage I've ever had.  Not because it was a relaxing pleasurable massage but because it was incredibly painful.  So painful in fact I was pretty much crying throughout the whole massage and probably made some rather interesting noises.  It was like she was ripping through my body, trying to destroy me.  The massage ended and somewhat relieved I told her it was the best massage I'd ever had.  She thanked me and commented that I'd probably be in a lot of pain for the next few days. I already am. Ouch.

As I was lying there on the table (whilst trying to block out the pain) I was thinking about pleasurable pain and painful pleasure.

Recently a friend and I went for a drink and were reminiscing about our friendship.  I reminded her of a time she had come into work and been unable to walk for about three days.  At the time, I had asked her if she was OK, fearing she was unwell but alas, the rigorousness of the sex she had recently had with a girl she was dating had rendered her unable to walk.  She went home "feeling unwell."  Her painful pleasure had become pure pain.

Likewise pleasure and pain are interwoven in relationships, something once pleasurable becomes pain when you break up with someone. Sometimes you also know the pleasure will become pain as soon as you meet someone.  You know they arnt right for you, you know it wont last yet you hope and pray the relationship will survive against all odds.  Then went it ends you curse that you are letting yourself feel this pain.

In short, pleasure and pain go hand in hand.  Sometimes one results in the other.  They often run side by side. Sometimes you dont even know whats pleasure and whats pain.  I like to call this painful pleasure or pleasurable pain.

My favourite bloggers

I'm a big fan of the classics, I did my dissertation on Dickens, read Thomas Hardy for fun and Scott Fitzgerald is my favourite author of all time.

There are two bloggers turned authors though that have really opened by eyes to the literary world..

The first is Zoe Margolis, known as 'Girl With A One Track Mind'.'  Zoe has written two biographies, 'A Girl With A One Track Mind' and 'A Girl With A One Track Mind Exposed' under the guise of Abby Lee.  She remained anonymous in order to write honestly and without limit and she "decided to write about sex in my blog because I felt that the feminist and female-centred perspective is missing from mainstream media."  However, soon after her book was published, the Sunday Times published an article in August 2006 which revealed the identity of the author as Zoe Margolis, an assistant director in the film industry.  Nowadays she spends her time mostly writing and speaking about blogging, technology, feminism and sex.

The second is Dr Brooke Magnanti, aka 'Belle Du Jour.'  You may have heard of her due to the hit TV series 'Belle Du Jour' starring Billie Piper.  Maganati, like Margolis was an anonymous blogger writing about sex.  Magnati however was a call girl and her writing chronicled her experiences as such.  Similarly to Margolis, Magnanti was outed due to media pressure, and in November 2009, reportedly fearing her real identity was about to come out, she revealed her real name to and occupation as a child health scientist to the Sunday Times.   Magnanti is currently writing a novel which is out next year.

So, can you see any commonalities between these two writers?  They are both bloggers, they enjoy writing about sex and love and they are candid (pornographic at times) with their subject matter.  I respect their honesty, humour and dedication to writing through heartbreak, death and media scrutiny.  Please check the blogs out, especially their early writing. 

If I achieve a tenth of what they have I'll be over the moon.

I like big butts..

I like big butts and I can not lie
You other brothers can't deny
That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist
And a round thing in your face
You get sprung
Wanna pull up tough
Cuz you notice that butt was stuffed
Deep in the jeans she's wearing
I'm hooked and I can't stop staring
Oh, baby I wanna get with ya
And take your picture..

Sir Mix-A-Lot tells it like it is and I have to say, I agree with him.  I like big butts.  I like a gal with junk in her trunk.  Some cushion for the pushin.  OK, you catch my drift.

I like big everything really (and no not in the way you are thinking).  I mean I like it when someone has a bit of meat on their bone.  Ive never dated anyone 'skinny.'  None of the people I have been out with I would class as overweight, but nor are they skinny either.  I cannot think of anything worse then hugging someone and being able to feel their bones or fucking someone and feeling their hips dig into you.  Ugh.  I like the feel of soft skin and hugs that feel like they are going to engulf you.  I'm no chubby chaser nor do I have a problem with a partner being on the larger side either.

Ive often been asked by partners if I think they are overweight.  Its always a resounding "no" (I've never thought a partner was overweight) followed up by "I really couldn't care less what you weigh, I'm with you for you" (equally true).

There have been guys and girls I have been with that really appreciate a buff body and I have never really understood that.  Maybe its because as a teenager my best friend had an eating disorder and therefore I have bad associations with skinniness and dieting.  I have also had partners with eating problems.  Getting someone who has an eating disorder to understand that you love them no matter what and they are not fat is frustrating and upsetting in equal measure.

My girlfriend is a fitness fanatic, going to the gym at least once a day and often going for 15 mile jogs.  It puts me to shame, the most exercise I ever do is walking 20 minutes to work everyday.  I used to be really fit and healthy when I was at uni, playing football once a week and regularly going to the gym.  In my childhood I was in all the teams at school, netball, hockey and most notably I was the only girl in an all boys football team.  I won a trophy for my achievements in football (although realistically I think I got it for having the balls to be the only girl in an all boys football team).  These days, I don't have the time, or more to the point, I'd rather spend my spare time drinking.

So off she goes to the gym, getting slimmer as time goes on.  It makes me happy that she has such drive to do something and I respect that she looks after herself so well.  However, it wouldn't matter to me if she ever put on weight either. 

Regardless of the abs that are forming I will always love her big ol tush (which will hopefully remain) the most :-)

Are lesbians more forward these days?

Is it just me or are lesbians more forward these days?  I swear I've had more attention in the past month then I have had in the few years Ive been out.

Take the other day for example.  I was entering work and a young woman was holding the lift open for me.  I was so far from the lift she could have easily carried on her journey.  However, she went out of her way to hold the door open and beckon me in.  Once in, I thanked her.  Looking up, I saw a attractive young gay woman.  I knew she was gay not because she fits the stereotype, but because I felt the vibe.  We chatted casually and I got off at my floor, still talking as the lift door closed.

Yesterday I wandered into the toilets and she was in there washing her hands.  We struck up a conversation and she asked me to lunch.  "That would be great but.." I started,  "You've got a girlfriend haven't you?" she chipped in.  "Well yes" I admitted "I was going to say I've got a lot of meetings today."  "Ah" she smiled "Oh well, I thought it was worth asking." "Thanks, I appreciate it" I smiled back.  Then she was gone.

This got me thinking about forwardness and reflecting upon how I react to people who have confidence and guts. I like people who have the confidence to put themselves out there and take a risk, its sexy.  There was one time however when I was shocked by someones forwardness.  This occurred a year or so ago when I was in Revenge, having just split up from an ex.  I started chatting to a girl at the bar and she offered to buy me a drink.  We drank up and went for a dance.  Happily dancing away, moving closer and closer, we leaned in to kiss.  The moment we started kissing she grabbed my crotch.  Literally, the moment our lips touched her hand was there, stroking me.  It wasn't even subtle either, it was aggressive.  Uncomfortably so.

I'm not a prude but I was shocked.  Having been off the scene for a few months, I wondered if this was the 'in' thing and now socially acceptable.  Buying a girl a drink now equals PDA's of the highest form.

I decided it was best to withdraw from the kiss and tell her I was heading to the toilets.  Once there, I decided it was time to leave; it was late anyway and I'd lost my friends.  I surreptitiously headed out of the club, glancing back to see her waiting for me on the dance floor.  I felt bad leaving her there waiting for me, but I didn't want to swap numbers or go home with her but equally I didn't want to lie to her face.

On the way home I started thinking about why I had reacted so strongly.  I'm not a prude after all and had just split up from someone, so would have relished the attention.  However, the aggressiveness of her action (if she was that aggressive on the dance floor, I imagined she'd be doubly as so in the bedroom and that somewhat scared me), coupled with her forwardness put me off.  I like to build up to a situation, even if its just a fondle and a snog.

Realistically I like a forward thinking woman, a woman who can express her mind and her body and who isn't afraid to display her passion. I respect an honest woman, one who tells me how she feels about me and whispers in my ear what she'd like to do to me.  Confidence is a turn on and hugely outweighs an attractive face or buff body.  However, I do have some social boundaries and I think groping someones crotch before you have even kissed them properly is mine.

Sex Pest

"You have become a sex pest" my girlfriend announced.  My hands drop from her breasts and I let her continue making dinner.  This has become an increasingly regular statement of hers.

Admittedly I have become a bit of a pest of late.  We don't do it as much as we used to/ I'd like and it has started to make me anxious.  Not because I think something is wrong with the relationship, just because I've got the horn.  All the time.

Her attitude to sex is the less you get the less you want.  This seems to be the standard female reaction; out of sight out of mind.  My attitude however (or my vagina's perspective as such) is the less I get the more I want.  My girlfriend often states "your sexual attitude is more similar to a man then a woman." Oh. Thanks.

I decided to air my woes to a friend who decided to offer me a rather interesting solution..

Her: What about doing your own dirty work?
Me: Not the same
Her: I could offer you my services..I owe you a favour for hooking me up with that girl last month
Me: Ha!  Thanks mate but not sure my girlfriend would be too thrilled about that
Her: Well you know where I am if you change your mind
Me: Thanks, your generosity never ceases to amaze me
Her: You know me, always thinking of others

The funny thing is I know she's not joking.  The lesbian community never fails to lend a helping hand.  So to speak.

With that option put to bed (ha) I decided I had to think this through. Admittedly we don't do it as much as we used to, but we still do it regularly.  So why am I becoming such a pest?  Is it something to do with age? Or am I having some sort of sexual awakening?  As a child of the tech generation, I decided the best course of action was to google it.  I found as follows..

"The age of sexual is different for everyone and can vary greatly. There are a lot of factors that have to be taken into consideration such as if you are on any sort of hormone treatment, if you have had your ovaries removed, what your natural hormone levels are, physical condition, stress, psychological issues, your attitude towards sex, etc."

That all makes sense but I want figures.  Generally, when is a woman's sexual peak?  The results I got were varied but seemed to suggest between 25-40.  Riiiight, I'm 25 this year so its likely my frustrations are set to increase further.  Great.

In short, please bear with me.  If I start humping your leg, take pity.  And sorry about the wet patch.

My Dream Family

I had a dream last night I was pregnant.  This dream was so vivid, I woke up this morning with my hand on my belly, protecting my unborn dream child.

The dream involved me being pregnant and unsure when the baby was going to drop, frantically trying to get home in order to give birth in a safe, secure place.  It was a dream that was mixed with distress and happiness; distress that my baby was going to be born prematurely or somewhere undesireable, and happiness that I was pregnant.

This dream reminded me of numerous conversations I have had with friends and family about having kids at some point in my life.  Friends have enquired 'what are you going to do if you are with a woman?' whilst my mum's more direct approach of 'its easier to be with a man, just be with a man' still rings in my head.  In all honesty, I've never questioned how I'll have children.  This isnt because I think I'll end up with a man and therefore all will be easy, its because I know when I decide to have children I will do anything to make it happen.  Of course it would be easier to procreate with a man, but I'd rather live an honest life then a simple one.

The ways a lesbian couple can conceive are as follows..
-adoption
-IVF
-having a child with a male friend

All three options are either difficult, financially draining, stressful or a combination of all three.  However, they dont scare me as such, they are just an obstacle to overcome, muchlike finding the job or house of your dreams.  Nothing worth having is easily attainable.

The one thing that does disconcert me about being in a lesbian relationship and having kids is that whoever I end up with, we wont be able to have a child that is genetically half mine and half theirs.  This upsets me. Logically I can see, however, that if we have a child together, be it genetically hers or mine, I will love him or her either way.  The fact I love my beautiful god-daughters (7 month old twins) as if they are family and spend a small fortune on them says alot I think. 

In short, it was a great dream filled with complications.  Complications that will ultimately manifest themselves in real life.  Scary but true.  Scary but exciting.

Tattoos

Everyone has their 'thing' that attracts them to certain people.  A fetish you may call it.  Some like overweight people, some like piercings, some like bad boys (or girls), some like tattoos and some like accents.  For me the latter two are applicable.  Tattoos however, are most my thing.

I really REALLY like tattoos on a partner.  Whether it's a male or female partner, wherever on the body, whatever it is.  I like tattoos pure and simple. 

I once dated someone as they had a mighty collection of tattoos.  Lying in bed just looking at the tattoos was a favourite past-time for me.  I found them mesmerising.  I also like talking about tattoos.  I have had many conversations with people about tattoos, why they got them and where they stood in that point in their life.  I find you can strike up a conversation with someone you barely know, talk about tattoos and you feel you know them inside and out.  They are immensely personal.

I got my tattoo when I was amidst coming out, and a couple of years after my grandmother had died.  It is a culmination of both grief and awakening; the most powerful emotions I have experienced.  For me, my tattoo means I am carrying my grandmother with me wherever I go, and when I have a bad moment I look at it and realise how lucky I am to be alive and lament on how immensely proud of me she would be.*  Similarly, it also reminds me to be who I am, speak my mind and live my life honestly and without fear.

I was recently speaking to a friend and we were talking about the beauty of tattoos and the significance of them.  She told me how she had once read an article claiming that they are a form of self harm.  In one way this makes entire sense, in an other its actually quite insulting and unbelievable.  Admittedly, I got mine at a reasonably tumultuous time in my life and one could view it as an outer expression of my grief.  However, I (and I believe my friend too) would like to believe they are more then that, they are a reflection of who you are, good and bad.

In short, tattoos tell a story of who you are.  I believe they say more about a person then clothing or any other aspect of human appearance.

I'm hoping to get another soon- to the drawing board!
*to note: my tattoo is an 'M' and resides on my right wrist

Blind spot

A blind spot has been defined thus:

1. Anatomy- the small, circular, optically insensitive region in the retina where fibers of the optic nerve emerge from the eyeball. It has no rods or cones

2. A part of an area that cannot be directly observed under existing circumstances

3. An area where radio reception is weak or nonexistent

4. A subject about which one is markedly ignorant or prejudiced

Points 2 and 4 in this list interest me.  Why?  Because we all have a blind spot.

This can be in many forms, most predominantly; some have a blind spot to what their partner is really like.  I recently found out that one of my best friends was with someone who hit her on a regular basis.  He was in her blind spot (or more aptly, WAS her blind spot); she couldn't see what he was really like.  Even more frustratingly, she probably did know, even though she didn't want to believe it; that he was bad news.  She put him in her blind spot.  Partly because she loved him, partly because she didn't want to believe the relationship was over.

This blind spot syndrome is prevalent in many relationships, not just between partners, but also families and friends.

Now I'm no psychologist, but I see this blind spot in people every day.  How? Because I've had this blind spot too.  Looking back at relationships (certain ones in particular stand out) I can see flaws and faults in previous lovers that I hadn't even considered when I was with them.  Some faults I'd even viewed as a cute quirk.  This is not to say that they have gargantuan faults; they are normal people. By design they have faults.  Nor does it mean my relationships were a waste of time, they made both parties what we are today.  What I am trying to convey however; is that their bad habits or character defects were a blind spot to me and mine were to them.  Purely and simply, it is love.  Love creates and nourishes the blind spot. 

It is whether the blind spot is good for the person or not that is the key question.

  

Character Meredith Grey sums it up best in a Greys Anatomy episode monologue:

'Many people don't know that the human eye
has a blind spot in its field of vision.
There is a part of the world that we are literally blind to

The problem is, sometimes our blind spots shield us
from things that really shouldn't be ignored'

Brogues

I recently bought a pair of brogues.  Every time I wear them I feel like I have a flashing sign hanging above my head saying 'massive gay.'  I'm not sure why I feel like this.  Brogues can be extremely effiminate, especially these ones (black velvet) and I am most definately a femme gay (I think a mere two people have clocked me as bi before I have told them) so its not like I've shaved my head and am wearing a vest.

Maybe its because I feel like a power dyke in them.  Teamed with my new french connection shades, I feel like THE BOMB walking to work.  Awesome.

Its strange, I've never had an item of clothing that has made me feel so powerful and so self conscious at the time time.

Pissed

Sometimes you just need to get pissed and talk about sex with your best mate.  Couldn't be happier.

Sweet Dreams

Have you ever come in your sleep?  Somehow I imagine men are more likely to respond yes to this.

I have.  I think five or six times in my life, once being a few days ago.

It's such a strange sensation, in that its like orgasming in normal conscious life but completely different at the same time. The main difference is that I know I'm dreaming and I can often push the fantasy forward, creating elements in the dream that I know will turn me on even more.  For this reason, I am more in control of the orgasms I have as I can conjure up whatever sexual fantasies will do the business.

When I had my first dream-gasm, I made the mistake of telling my boyfriend of three years.  His reaction was not as I'd expected.  I thought it would be 'Awesome, I can't believe my girlfriend can orgasm in her sleep.'  However, I was instead met with 'Oh, so I guess you don't need me now then.'  I had to kindly, but firmly remind him that one dream-gasm in 18 years was hardly going to keep me satisfied.

Having said that, they have become more frequent.  The second one was three years later and the last few have been a little over six months apart.  I'm not entirely sure if they are becoming more frequent, because, as I'm getting older I am getting randier (very plausible and possible) or maybe as time goes on, I'm accepting my sexuality.

The one I had the other night, came (no pun intended) as a result of have a number of sexual dreams throughout the night.  They mostly featured men, which I am sure a sleep therapist will assure me "is my subconscious telling me I'm missing cock" or some such.  But ho- hum, even if I am, I am quite happy missing it for the time being thank you.  I do however, sleep so much more soundly post orgasm, so please dream-gasm fairy, conjure up some more.

The One You Can Never Put Your Finger On (Or In)

I swear every lesbian or bisexual girl has experienced this.  The straight girl who just wont go away.  The one who wont stop flirting with you, teasing you, making you imagine how glorious it would be to fuck her but wont ever give out or even let you know she likes you.


Now this girl existed for me before I got into my current relationship.  It was a couple of years ago, in my previous job.  Now let  me get this straight, my old job was full of young people.  It was a veritable breeding ground for inter-colleague relationships.  I didn't leave my uni years through uni, I lived them through this job.  Everything was just MORE then uni- more booze, more sex, more drugs, more silliness.


Anyway, this place pretty much bred attractive, young women and one of these women I really liked.  I will refer to her as Beth.  Beth is a nice girl, bubbly, funny and popular.  She is not hugely attractive (there were others that were prettier) but she has turned a few heads in her time.  Now Beth is straight, although I believe she has slept with a woman before as part of a threesome.


Now you know when you get a vibe from someone?  Its indescribable.  You just feel like there is something  there but you cant quite put your finger on what it is and why you feel that way.  Now at the time, she used to flirt and it often crossed my mind whether she liked me and if there was something there.


The reasons I think she did like me are as follows:

- She most notably once said 'No, I wouldn't kiss her (in reference to a friend) but I'd kiss someone else' and  then looked directly at me
- She used to occasionally put her hand on my hip when walking past me
- She jumped at the chance when I offered that she stay over
- Sometimes I felt her looking at me
- It was kinda awkward when we spoke


The reasons I think she didn't:

- I think she might just like the attention
- She once said 'I don't want to sleep with a woman again'
- I might be imagining it all

Its one of those situations where you don't know whether its a hopeful fantasy you have created in your mind.  In short, there is no way for me to know without asking her.  These days, I am happy in a relationship and don't work with her anymore, so its become irrelevant to me.  However, as much as I don't want her anymore and don't believe I ever will again, I would still like to know if these feelings were reciprocated.  Maybe one day I'll pluck up the courage to ask.

Dykea

 Myself and my other half have recently moved home.  This is the first time we have properly lived together folks, please take a collective breath in.  Anyway, we moved in together, and with little furniture had to make the pilgrimage to furniture mecca, otherwise known as Ikea.  Many a time have I heard the trip to ikea referred to as ‘the cementing of the lesbian relationship in stone’ and we aimed to fulfil this.

There we were many obstacles on this journey.  First and foremost; getting there.  As my partner stupidly decided to drink drive a few years ago she was unable to drive.  Conversely, I had a clean sheet but once passed my test (on the first time I may add) I had not driven since and therefore was extremely rusty and very very scared.  So off we trotted to the van rental company where she was denied the privilege to drive and I was told I had to if we wanted the van.  So there I was on a main road, cars whizzing by, scared stiff.  Thankfully the rental man casually wondered off, meaning we could quickly switch places.  Now, I'm not one to condone illegal activity, but I would have been far more treacherous on the road then she was, so I think it was a wise idea to swap.  And indeed, we came back in one piece, happy as larry.

Anyway, Ikea was an experience- my other half broke her phone and spilt petrol down my new jeans when refilling the van.  In addition, we lost our list of product codes, which meant once at the stock area, we realised we had to repeat our previous two hours of browsing.  However, we successfully loaded up six trolleys full of stuff (we have an empty flat to furnish) and carted them about as best we could.  The assistants helped us through the checkout with them, commenting that they had only ever seen one person ever buy more than us (hard to believe I know) and watched us as we loaded approximately 20 heavy boxes into the van.

As much as I enjoyed browsing the beautiful furniture, I can tell you this furniture buying malarkey has been a pain in the ass.  Not only was Ikea a pretty stressful day, but the furniture making process has been a nuisance too.  I took over three hours to make a chair the other night and it only has four pieces.  Now I know I am, no furniture whiz but seriously?!  This process has been such a nuisance, myself and my other half have coined the phrase ‘if we can get through ikea we can get through anything.’  And this is true, I think there are very few things more stressful then building a home.

I may moan about this but buying furniture together has been a lovely experience on the whole.  Creating a new home together has been wonderful and hilarious at times.  Most of all, it proves that the little bi girl isn’t conforming to stereotype and can lift as many boxes as the next man.  Well, not really, but almost :-)

Me

I have written a few blogs now and I realise I have given very little away.  Some background facts about me..

- I first kissed a girl when I was 19 at a house party
- I first lost my virginity to a boy when I was 17, and to a girl when I was 20
- I have slept with twice as many men as women
- I like sex with both equally but for different reasons
- The two best people I have slept with- one is a man and one is a woman
- I came out to my friends two years ago, my parents six months ago & my brother a week ago
- I would like to have the same things as everyone else- a home, children and a loving partner
- I hate people who walk slowly.  Why oh why would you walk so slowly??
- I don’t like bullshit.  Please don’t lie to me
- I have never asked anyone out/told I love them first, I always wait for others to do it
- I am kind, loving but a joker 
- I am incredibly impatient
- I once kissed a man dressed as a meatball because I liked his outfit
- My favourite cocktail is a screaming orgasm..mm chocolately
- I cant bare talking to people in the morning, morning people make me grumpy
- I laugh way too much at my own jokes
- I am fiercely loyal and would do anything for anyone I care about
- I don’t fancy many people, but I when I do fancy someone I fall in love easily 
- I want to make my parents proud more than anything
- I really would like a pet dog, Ive wanted one since I was a kid
- Im a terrible flirt, always have been always will be 
- Nothing really gets me going like writing.  Writing floats my boat

The Text Game

On the subject of texting..

It is very likely you have all participated in the text game, even if you dont know you have.  I for one have on many an occasion, I am ashamed to say. 

The text game is simple.  Someone you are seeing texts you and you respond.  You text back and forth until the conversation has run its course and then the next day you say to your mate ‘Why hasn’t she text me, I text her last.'  Your mate will chorus back with ‘but she text you first yesterday.’  And so you fall into the eternal dilemma, do you text her or wait for her to text you?  It starts as a sexy game between you but ends up being a internal battle, seeing how long you can hold on without texting back.

Myself and my illustrious ex used to play this game until, the second time we dated we came to the conclusion that it would be better to be predictable then annoying.  We would text each other every hour.  That way we were in constant contact, but never felt claustrophobic.  Now, this may seem bizarre to you (it felt it to me at the time) but it was also nice.  Waiting for a text that you knew was going to arrive, knowing someone was always thinking of you is something I enjoyed.

This got me thinking about the dilemmas of texting.  I will tell you of one which is faced on a regular basis by one of my best gays.  She loves texting when drunk or hungover.  This leads her to send mammoth rambling incoherent texts, to which the recipient never replies.  I have gone so far to take her phone off her and delete the number all together.  But alas, in a drunken blur she heads to good old Facebook, retrieves the number and ploughs forth with her ramblings.  Dating nightmare?   Yes indeed.

There are so many pitfalls to texting, a veritable minefield of embarassment. I have created a good few text boo boo's myself.  Not of the long rambling variety I may add, I like to keep it short and sweet.  My text nightmares are caused by none other then predictive text.


Some of my nightmares are as follows:


Join me for a meal tonight? > Join me for a neck tonight?


Im guna kick your ass! > Im guna lick your ass! (just before a second date none the less)


Next time your in Brighton gime a call and we'll hook up > Next time your in Brighton gime anal and we'll hook up


Im going for a walk with Sarah and will head over after> Im going for a wank with Sarah and will head over after


I feel ill, im getting sick> I feel ill, im getting dick


And what have I learn from this? Absolutely nothing. These texts are among the best I've ever sent :-)

A Very Interesting Text Conversation

One of my mates recently made me chuckle, the conversation went like this...

Me: morning matey, how was your evening?
Bee: erm, interesting..
Me: that sounds ominous, how do you mean?
Bee: it was ok, I am in alot of pain right now.  Not sure it was worth it.
Me: why, what happened?
Bee: ah well you know Meg I was seeing, well i slept with her mate Em
Me: oh, I see.  Was Meg angry?
Bee: nah, she was fine about it but the sex with Em was bad
Me: in what way?
* no reply for 20 mins*
Bee: sorry had to go and be sick, the thought of it just makes me gag
Me: why, what was bad about it?
Bee: she erm, had bad hygiene
Me: hahaha no way!! what did you do?
Bee: i just stopped, I couldnt continue
Me: couldnt you just have suggested a sexy shower together? that would have got rid of the problem
Bee: we had just showered, this was post shower sex
Me: oh dear oh dear..

And the moral of the story?  Keep up your dating and hygiene standards.

The Big O

Have you ever had an orgasm that has made you cry? And I don’t mean shed a tear, I mean really bawl your eyes out.

I had an orgasm like this last night.  Until this time I had good orgasms, even great ones.  However, this was unlike any I had ever known. This earth shattering triumph seemed to shake me to my inner core in every way possible.  I have slept with men with massive dicks and women with incredible tongue skills but nothing has had this startling effect on me.  

I have had men and women cry on me post sex.  I would like to believe this is down to my prowess as lover but I am well aware that it may well have been an expression of post relationship grief; the first fuck of freedom. I however, have never repaid the favour of shedding a tear or experiencing the raw post sex emotion that so many do.

Back to my unfathomable pleasure.  I believe this amazing orgasm occured due to many causes:

Firstly, my incredible horniness post period.  Any women out there can relate to lustful pangs pre, during and post period.  These pangs, mid period, could be greeted warmly with an inviting tongue but as much as I want it, I just don’t feel my lover should have to deal with the blood-laiden cavern that would lie in wait.  I don’t even want to look at it; I don’t feel I should force them to.  Ergo, I am left to deal with the ever-growing pulses of desire for over a week. 

Secondly, due to the plethora of fantasies I had built up in my brain due to the lack of sex.  Penetrative, oral and anal imagery had all spun endlessly around my mind for the last few days.

Thirdly, my partner is very skilled in the tongue department and has learnt to give me exactly what I need.

Now, this orgasm sent me to space and back. It propelled me from my body into the atmosphere and back again, sending waves of glorious pleasure through me as it did.  It made me hot yet cold, alive yet numb.  What struck me most was I felt blind.  Blind to everything and everyone.  No senses. Nothing.

And as she looked up, licking her lips and brushing her hair from her face; she was completely unaware she had given me the best orgasm I had ever known.

And what did I do first when I got into work this morning?  The honorable thing.  Tell my best mate in gory detail about how amazing it was.

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

Last week I met up with an ex who was reminded me of the frolics and woes of lesbian dating.  She told me of a girl who she was seeing but was 'too nice' and therefore didn't get the juices flowing, and another who was exciting but somewhat unattainable.

It reminded me of a conversation myself and my partner had at the beginning of our relationship, when discussing the pitfalls of lesbians dating, there is no middle ground.  Lesbians seem to be either full on or completely switched off.  Likewise, they are cute and lovely, but frankly dull, whereas others are exciting and outgoing but cant hold a relationship down for love nor money.

Ironically, I believe that my ex was one of these unattainable creatures.  She was someone I always longed to have but never really did.  When we managed to venture into a relationship (instigated by her, I may add) she never really seemed to open up- physically or mentally.  Whether this was due to fear of being hurt or simply wanting to play the field I'll never know.

It has got me thinking about sexual chemistry and dating.  We all know the cliche of wanting what we cant have but is this really true?  Are we so self-destructive that we crave something that will eventually cause us pain?  Conversely, if we were given everything on a plate would it really be fun?  I know I for one enjoy the chase.

I do however, remember a time when the chase was probably the most frustrating thing on earth.  Doing the 'why hasn't she text dance' and 'what, oh what does that mean' ritual did eventually become somewhat boring after a time.  And there's the biggest irony.  The chase eventually becomes boring too.

So ladies, if you are reading this, listen up.  Give us something to aim for, but don't keep us hanging on too long eh.